Over the last few years, the holidays have hit different.

There is no day that passes that I do not think about Cherene. However, the holidays have a way of being especially difficult.

As an academic, I tend to associate “the holidays” with the end of a semester. This always feels like a worthy accomplishment.

Plus, Cherene’s birthday is a week before Christmas. Hence, for decades, I have also associated this time of year with traveling home for her birthday, shopping, celebrating Christmas, and brining in the new year in The City.

As a family, we were always careful to get her 2 separate gifts–for her birthday and for Christmas. We never wanted her to feel slighted because of the timing of her birthday, which of course, she did not choose. Most of these things are still true, except my favorite human isn’t around to shop for or to celebrate with.

We used to play R&B and soul Christmas music real loud, sing off-key, burn some holiday version of scented candles, usually from Bath & Body works, decorate the Christmas tree, drink egg nog, reflect on the year, and create New Year’s Resolutions (that we often did not keep lol).

She gave me a Christmas card each year signed the same way, “To my beautiful sister, Sakeena.” I have all her cards saved.

After she passed, I couldn’t bring myself to put up a Christmas tree for 3 years.

It’s the unpurchased gift.

The unopened beverage.

The unsung songs.

The unspoken reflections.

And the empty chair.

It was all too much to bear.

This year I put up a Christmas tree. I purchased the pictured angel wings ornament. It is SO darn cute!!! I absolutely love it 🙂 Crystal and cotton!!! Come on, how awesome is that?!?! When I saw it I immediately knew I would purchase it.

Navigating the holidays in her absence means creating new traditions and altering old traditions.

This year I decorated my tree with some dear framily (friends who are like family… lol, no I didn’t create this term). They “get” parts of me that I do not allow others to see. We played R&B soul Christmas music, made jokes, laughed, and they held space for my tears and unfinished stories of Cherene. I sincerely hope that everyone is able to be in the company of loved ones who can effectively hold space for their grief and gratitude. This is a privilege I do not take this gift for granted.

I’ve come a long way in my healing journey! I fought HARD for my healing… more on that later though!

I started out with ill-equipped shock, confusion, and shame about my grief (and healing). Fortunately, I’m learning that my courageous vulnerability and truth-telling traits are two of my super powers.

There is liberation in truth-telling. Or, as the elders say, “The truth shall set you free!”

Telling my truth has supported my healing journey. I had to figure out a lot about grief (and trauma) in isolation because Cherene transitioned BEFORE the COVID-19 pandemic…

Before it was “acceptable” to discuss “grief” in public forums.

Before “trauma” became a regular household word.

Before people (especially Black people) wore cute t-shirts about “going to therapy.”

Before there was collective concern about Black (mental) wellness in public forums.

Before I knew how grief could affect your physical body (morbidity and mortality). Unfortunately, I learned the hard way (from experience).

After actively fighting for my life by accessing myriad systems of support, I learned there is joy and wellness for me– even in the physical absence of my beloved sis.

By God’s grace, I made a commitment to help others, especially Black women, who regularly suffer in silence about so many unspoken realities, which can compound our grief and trauma.

Grief is a natural part of the human experience. How we respond to and carry our grief is an individual as fingerprints.

I’ve learned to not judge people who are grieving. You shouldn’t either.

I believe most grieving people are doing the best they can with the knowledge and supports they have access to at the time. Also, I choose to believe that when most people know better they will also chose to do better.

I want grief, a natural part of the human experience, to be normalized as a regular topic of discussion.

People should not be shocked or ill-equipped to navigate grief, especially when everyone will experience the loss of a dear loved one–if you live long enough.

The pain of grief can rock your core (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc.) and make you question everything around you. It can be disorienting. I intentionally use “can” here because everyone experiences grief differently. There is no “right” or “wrong” to grieve, per se.

I started telling my truth years ago. It relieved me of my pain (in many ways). Telling my truth affirms my humanity.

Over the years, I’ve learned to manage most of my “grief triggers.” I go about my day. I go to work and fun events with family and friends, etc.

But, I have learned to be gentle with myself during the holidays. The holidays hit different. I limit my interactions with people who do not understand or support my grief.

During the holidays, I count my blessings. I also drink lots of water, rest, pray, meditate, journal, reflect, laugh, watch comedy, and unapologetically seek beauty and joy in different aspects of life.

If you’ve been following me long enough, you know I’ve purchased myself a bouquet of flowers every week for over 3 years.

Stay out my pockets! Lol, I know I have spent a lot of money on flowers, but I am worth it.

I look forward to soaking in nature’s beauty. I enjoy paying attention to nature’s patterns and surprises. One day I will learn how to grow my own flowers. But, I’m not there yet! 🙂

Each day is a gift. I try not to take any day for granted.

I’m clear that my grief AND healing are much better bigger than me. I’m doing the work I am meant to do and for that I am blessed.

My grief humbles me. It activates my compassion and support for others.

Grief teaches me so much. I didn’t choose this teacher, but I’m learning to be in right relationship with my grief– to heal myself and others.